Quarter-life crisis
You know how they always say, people go through mid-life crisis? I think I'm going through quarter-life crisis.It's a very lost feeling, really, really just searching for a direction.
In work; what do I love to do? How long do I persevere before calling it quits?
In love; how is a long term relationship supposed to feel? If there aren't anymore sparks, does it mean the love is gone? When and how does one decide to leave, or stay, for the belief in love?
With family; when parents decided that I'm old enough to listen to their problems, to take off my rose-tinted glasses. Why can't I stand my mama's constant talking, talking? Why can't I empathise with her problems, her loneliness? Do I have too many pre-conceived expectations about how she's supposed to be like? Is it that I'm scared of the thought that perhaps, perhaps I'm actually exactly like her?
Still, everything must start and end somewhere. After floating around too long, I realised I was starting to despise and dislike the person I'd become.
The first change came with actually taking an action to move towards one of my dreams, in this case was to sign up with UWA to further my studies, with plans to finish the last semester on-campus in Australia. Finally, after years of talking about it, it was like a fresh breath of air.
Then, it was deciding that I should give up on the things in life that are pointless for me to pursue; that leads to nowhere, really, but unhappiness. How do I know if what I'm doing now is going down that path? Hm. I believe this is something we always know for sure, deep down inside. Everything got easier once I made up my mind, and took an action. Like sending in my letter of resignation.
Maybe it's me, that I tend to procrastinate. But everytime I do take a step, it feels like a breath of fresh air, particularly when the move is true to my heart; that's good for my self-believe and self-confidence. And I love myself a little more for it.
Haircut! A load off my shoulders, refreshed! For the new challenges ahead in the path I've chosen.
My quarter-life crisis buddy. Spot what we did to ourselves yet..?
Pierced ears! Third piercing for me! Haa..
Dreamt on Tuesday, November 27, 2007; 7:21 AM
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I just threw in the towel
That's it! I just clicked send on the resignation email I wrote to my boss! I've had enough feeling afraid of the next challenge that comes up at work.. Yes, afraid, not raring to tear down the challenge into tiny bits and digest it. Enough of feeling relieved, and not satisfied, at every task completed. Enough of having that cold, hard feeling settle in my heart everytime I hear or read about 'press release', or 'think of an angle', or 'what would attract the media'. Enough of dreading going to work everytime I think of the next working day. Enough of hearing whiny little me whining to poor Aldran day in day out about whether I should resign. Enough, just enough.
It's not that the work itself is bad, in fact, there's a lot of passionate people out there who excel in PR and really have a flair for doing what they do. I'm just not one of them... Thinking up creative, intangible ideas and new story angles. Writing things that's supposed to interest the media and the world. It's not my cup of tea, and I admit it. Finally. Admit it to myself. Call it conceding defeat, call it not giving the job the proper chance/time/effort before I've giving up on it. Call it whatever. It feels right and it feel good.
How long do I try before I give up? For work, I think I have the answer. I've never been able to do what I don't like, and that's one thing that hasn't changed about me. Didn't like Physics, took Chem-Bio, the unpopular "no good future" combi. Didn't like first 3 months in JC, went to poly. Maybe my life has been a bit of the road less travelled.
This is my style.. This is my life.So what's next? I'm going to take my time looking for a job I will love (you guys go read "What color is your parachute" by Richard Nelson Bolles. It sparked off a lot of ideas about my hunting for a dream job, with lots of good, practical advice). In the meantime I will slack. I'm just gonna take it easy, and find some part-time work I'll enjoy. Pasting stamps and packing stuff. Selling tickets at an art venue. Museum guide/curator. Helping out at events. Sorting things and making them pretty. Somewhere touristy or artistic or beautiful.I haven't felt this right in a long, long time now. Though, of course, somewhat apprehensive about job searching again. $$$
Dreamt on Monday, November 12, 2007; 8:56 AM
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