On the plane from Cairns to Sydney, Xueli and I were in a contemplative mood, discussing about matters close to our hearts.
Xueli told me how it made her feel kind of sad that I don't seem to be that carefree girl anymore, who would wander around in short-sleeved or sleeveless tops without a care what other people thought.
In the past, obviously I hadn't had much of a choice cos we were wearing school uniforms. Every morning when I dress, I kind of just avert my eyes from my arm, very ostrich-style. It's a daily pretend game. Pretend that people don't stare and kids don't point. Pretend that it's not awkward when we do pledge-taking every morning. Pretend it's ok. In a way, perhaps I've fooled everyone in my attempt to fool myself.
Now, I admit that the public eye matters to me, and that I'm conscious of my looks. The in-your-face me has been rather tamed by society. I'm also more conscious about ensuring that people around me are comfortable.. Friends and loved ones do get rather worked up when rude people stare and mutter! But is that not a natural progression for most people as we all grow up?
We all dress to look and feel our best for the occasion. Feeling beautiful makes me happy! I would pick a dress to hug my figure in a slimming way and not emphasise my flaws. I pick shoes that make my legs look like they go on forever. I pick colors that bring out my natural rosiness. I would never crop my hair back to those weird hairstyles back in the AHS days. In the same way, I wear clothes that cover my arm.
Try not to see me as hiding away, because strangely, I feel that I'm emerging from my nutshell. I do see this change in a positive light; I've grown up to stop living in my little ostrich world of make-believe. I'm accepting who I am and making the most of things.
There will always be limitations and short-comings in all of us. We are all simply good at some things and bad at others. I will always be lacking in some areas whilst exceling in many others.
But that of course, doesn't mean that I never stop challenging my short-comings. It makes life more fulfilling. :)
Dreamt on Monday, July 16, 2007; 5:53 PM
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